Or so it feels!
I'm not even gonna lie. I always wanted a stalker. The attention, the games. It looked fun on Netflix, in a book. But in real life. It's awful. People who stalk are sick to the core. They have no humanity. But they have lived being psychopaths for their entire life, so they are well practiced at pretending to be normal. They can shower you with love and make you feel like you are the only 'queen' in the world. But when the world falls dark, their mask slips. They stop being so loving. They start projecting their insecurities and darkness on to you. They start whispering cruel things in your ear, to bring you down. My stalker even watched me sleep and I am convinced he would say cruel things to me while I slept because whenever I woke up with him there, he would seem happy and I would feel sad, to the core. I never felt lower. But because of how low I was, I would need him. Not out of love, out of fear of being alone. He made me scared of the dark as an adult. He would tell me people or even maybe demons were in my bed having sex with me when I was asleep. But he told me he was turned on by this. I didn't like him watching me sleep but I was afraid to be on my own. This same person had generated that much hate for me online and in the 'real world' that I felt I needed him there to keep me safe. This is what all abusers do. They strip you down, so they can rebuild you just how they want you. They will take a sledge hammer to your whole life and stand then all heroic to make you feel that you need them. I have been pulling away from my abuser for over a year and he just won't leave. I have tried everything. First I tried pleasing him to stop him attacking me but I soon realised he didn't appreciate anything of me. But then he started blackmailing me for content and making me sleep with the light on every single night so he could 'watch over' me in my sleep. Maybe this was a torture tactic to deprive me of sleep? I accused him of that loads and he never denied it. He wouldn't even let me go to the toilet on my own. It sounds crazy because I didn't just hang up but unless you are unlucky enough to experience 'Digital Domestic Abuse'. You won't get it. That man made me a prisoner in my own mind, and also in my phone. Because phones are designed to be so addictive it was hard to get away from him. But now I am determined there in no going back. I have not had contact in 11 days today and I never plan on having direct contact again. But for now he is still harassing me from his uncountable profiles. Which he generates using an automatic email germinator so literally, I block him and he is back within seconds. He claims to be in recovery and he even gives talks about this in his alter ego, but he clearly uses me to fix that missing bit he has, now he can't escape his pain using substances. But I have a sneaky feeling he won't be able to terrorise me for much longer...