Keep rising!
So today I choose life. I woke up at 11:10, got out of bed at 11:11. Which instantly made me happy. But then I had a message from a lady who works at a women's centre. She was trying to meet me after ghosting me since I got back to my hometown, Scarborough. I've been here 9 months now and we have never had 1-1 support so I don't see th point now. I have already chucked out most of my belongings, I have self-discharged from mental health services and I was on GB News last week. Like if I can advocate for myself and others and I can get down to London from North Yorkshire with five minutes notice, I don't need to be taking a place up at services. I have explained this in plain English multiple times but I just can't get away from this worker popping back up every few months and reminding me how little support I have had thus far. Then when I tried to text her back my phone had been disconnected because the bill has bounced. So after putting myself back to work on my 'spicy' sites, I am still not able to meet my basic needs and pay my bills without stress. So I started the day feeling really salty about the whole situation. I have been used and abused by a sick man for years (Winchester) and he has painted me up in trauma and exposed me to the world to make himself feel better, all because I rejected him. He tried to gift his way into my affection and then tried to treat me like trash infant of everyone and he expected me to still care. But I didn't. I refocused on myself, just as I always have and this obviously burned him to the core. So he sent all his people for me and they told me to quit life. But I didn't and he was unsuccessful so he created a deep fake (Jo) and tried to create another situation where she showed me empathy and then quit her life. Then I was blamed for this and I was expected to feel guilty. But I didn't. Because why would I? Even if it was true, it's not my fault. Taking our own lives is a crime in my mind. God has gifted us life and if we are able to live a full life and we choose to quit that, I believe we get stuck un purgatory. People might not like my opinion, but this is my private blog, a place for me to express myself and I believe quitting life is the most selfish act a human can do. There are children born with disabilities who never get the chance at a full life and they are people who get poorly and die young and they would give everything to keep living. To trade places. So how the fuck can someone with all they facilities and abilities choose to focus on the bad stuff and commit the ultimate crime against themselves? I think people who survive suicide attempts should be criminalised to show people why we should choose strength over turning our pain in on ourselves and choosing the easy way out. My personal opinion is suicide is a show of weakness and I will never accept guilt being placed on me for anyone else making bad choices. I said all of this at the time and I was hated so much for it but I stand by it. It's my personal values and beliefs and I am entitled to them. Also, when I was being blamed by thousands of people for something beyond my control, how did they not expect me to react with anger. I actually blamed Winchester for sending all the trolls for me. Five days later he allegedly quit life. But I didn't hear about it. Because why would I? It wasn't my business. We had stopped speaking months before and he had been evil to me when we fell out. He shared private messages and told everyone he had made me suicidal and he was part of the discord that all came and told me to quit life. So he wasn't relevant to me. I did Christmas on my own. Still smiling whilst thousands of people blamed me for Jo quitting life. Then on the 28th December some random girl who had nearly ran me over with her push chair in Ramsgate made contact. She told me that she knew how close I was to Winchester and she had to tell me that he had also quit. She triggered my psychosis. She made me believe there was more to the story and from that moment I was hurt, angry and seeking answers. I was blaming everyone. All the wrong people. See now I am 18 months past this, I can see that Winchester manipulated the whole thing for clout. For attention. For his entertainment. I always questioned whether he was really gone. I could feel the lie. But now I fully believe that he went to Rehab in Ireland and assumed a new identity 'Gary'. See Gary has shown me the same hatred that Winchester did. Just like Winchester, Gary has scraped all my information, pushed me into doing sexualised content even when I have been really suicidal and he has almost pushed me over the edge on 3 occasions. No matter how much I report Gary to the police, I can't get help so now I am just speaking out and hoping that soon all of this will come to an end. I cannot allow myself to keep getting bullied by some bitter little man. I know he doesn't love me. It's pure hate and he won't stop till I leave. So this is me noting everything. Just incase he actually does get to me. Because NO-ONE is helping get me out of this situation.